Oh God, do we really have to sit through one of these? Does privacy literally even mean anything anymore? Does a page like this even make sense to have?

We honestly don't think so, but our lawyers made us write the following anyway. Here we go...

This Privacy Policy describes how your personal information is collected, used, and shared when you visit or make a purchase from Lemons For Sale (the “Site”). We would once again like to take this opportunity to reiterate that we don't sell actual fruit or produce. Please go to Safeway or Ralphs for that. And please stop asking. It's getting annoying.

Personal information we collect

When you visit the Site, we automatically collect certain information about your device, including information about your web browser, IP address, time zone, how many times you laugh at our jokes, and some of the cookies that are installed on your device. We don't log information about whether they're chocolate chip or oatmeal raisin cookies. Additionally, as you browse the Site, we collect information about the individual web pages or products that you view, what websites or search terms referred you to the Site, and information about how you interact with the Site. We refer to this automatically collected information as “Device Information”. Yeah, we're pretty lame.

We collect Device Information using the following technologies:

• “Cookies” are data files that are placed on your device or computer and often include an anonymous unique identifier. Cookies are also what people call sweet biscuits, but that's not what we're talking about right now. For more information about cookies, and how to disable cookies, visit http://www.allaboutcookies.org.
• “Log files” track actions occurring on the Site, and collect data including your IP address, browser type, Internet service provider, referring/exit pages, and date/time stamps. Shoutout to VPNs.
• “Web beacons”, “tags”, and “pixels” are electronic files used to record information about how you browse the Site. We're slimy, aren't we?

Additionally, when you make a purchase or attempt to make a purchase through the Site, we collect certain information from you, including your name, billing address, shipping address, payment information (including credit card numbers), email address, and phone number. We refer to this information as “Order Information”. God only knows why we need this information, because we sure as hell don't.

How do we use your personal information?

We use the Order Information that we collect generally to fulfill any orders placed through the Site (including processing your payment information, arranging for shipping, and providing you with invoices and/or order confirmations). Additionally, we use this Order Information to:

• Communicate with you;
• Screen our orders for potential risk or fraud;
• Try to sell you a used 1994 Pontiac Trans Sport; and
• When in line with the preferences you have shared with us, provide you with information or advertising relating to our products or services.

We use the Device Information that we collect to help us screen for potential risk and fraud (in particular, your IP address), and more generally to improve and optimize our Site (for example, by generating analytics about how our customers browse and interact with the Site, and to assess the success of our marketing and advertising campaigns). We won't sell it on eBay, promise.

Sharing your personal Information

We may share your Personal Information with third parties (because we can't be trusted with secrets) to help us use your Personal Information, as described above. For example, we use Fourthwall to power our online store. We may also use Google Analytics to help us understand how our customers use the Site... and if you haven't heard of Google, man, are you in for a ride. You can read more about how Google (ab)uses your Personal Information here: https://www.google.com/intl/en/policies/privacy/. But you can also ask to opt-out of Google Analytics here: https://tools.google.com/dlpage/gaoptout.

Finally, we may also share your Personal Information to comply with applicable laws and regulations, to respond to a subpoena, search warrant or other lawful requests for information we receive, or to otherwise protect our rights. Yeah, yeah, we know, snitches get stitches. We hope you can recommend a good surgeon.

Behavioral advertising

As described above, we may (what?! I said "may"!) use your Personal Information to provide you with targeted advertisements or marketing communications we believe may be of interest to you. But we probably won't. For more information about how targeted advertising works, you can visit the Network Advertising Initiative’s (“NAI”) educational page at http://www.networkadvertising.org/understanding-online-advertising/how-does-it-work.

You can lie to yourself by asking to opt-out of targeted advertising by using the links below:

• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/settings/?tab=ads
• Google: https://www.google.com/settings/ads/anonymous
• Bing: https://advertise.bingads.microsoft.com/en-us/resources/policies/personalized-ads

Additionally, you can try to opt-out of some of these services by visiting the Digital Advertising Alliance’s opt-out portal at: http://optout.aboutads.info/.

Do not track

Because we're lazy, we don't alter our Site’s data collection and use practices when we see a Do Not Track signal from your browser. You may as well be using Internet Explorer or Netscape Navigator.

Your rights

If you are a European resident, you're probably much better off than us in general. You have free healthcare, university, and better food (except for burgers; we do that better). You also have the right to access personal information we hold about you and to ask that your personal information be corrected, updated, or deleted. If you would like to exercise this right, please contact us through the contact information below. And give us 4-5 business years to get back to you.

Additionally, if you are a European resident, we note that we are processing your information in order to fulfill contracts we might have with you (for example if you make an order through the Site), or otherwise to pursue our legitimate business interests listed above. (Note to the editors: does this just mean email?) Additionally, please note that your information will be transferred outside of Europe, including the United States, possibly by boat.

Data retention

When you place an order through the site, we will maintain your Order Information for our records unless and until you ask us to delete this information and/or we have no legitimate purpose to keep it. Because we're such good people.

YouTube and Google

By using the Site (or literally any part of the internet), you acknowledge that this Site may use the YouTube API services and, as such, the user agrees to be bound by the YouTube terms of service which can found in the following link: https://www.youtube.com/t/terms. By using those services you also acknowledge and agree to the connected use of the Google Privacy Policy which can be found through the following link: https://www.google.com/policies/privacy.

MySpace

MySpace was great, wasn't it? It didn't have any of this.

Changes

We may update this privacy policy from time to time in order to reflect, for example, changes to our practices or for other operational, legal or regulatory reasons. We may also change the color of our hair.

Contact us

For more information about our privacy practices, or if you would like to hire us to give a toast at your wedding, please contact us by e-mail at contact@support.shop.lemonsforsale.com or by mail using the details provided below:

Lemons For Sale

Re: Privacy Compliance Officer

Fourthwall, Inc, PO Box 5696, Santa Monica CA 90405, United States